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Light saber therapy

April 27, 2016 The Wine Time Dad 0 Comments Category : , , , , , , ,

Owning a functioning light saber is good, manly therapy and anyone can find it therapeutic. Holding a weapon, like a sword, stirs up a primordial, satisfyingly powerful  archetype, a Jungian archetype perhaps, the warrior, lodged in our deep unconscious. If we stretch our imagination a little and travel back to the origins of
this archetype, we may see Og, an early hominid cousin.
There Og is, clutching his/ her first handheld weapon, and we see the epiphany hit: I could just walk softly and carry a big stick. The rest is, as they say, history. Mealtime at the old fire pit was never the same.

While we don’t need to carry swords these days, especially light sabers, Og raises a good point. We could do more with something in our hands. More could be accomplished with a big stick, or a light saber. There’s reality, then there’s reality with a sword, a plastic plasma sword, but a sword nonetheless.

However, as Vader once observed, “The force is with you, young Skywalker, but you are not a Jedi, yet.” Our plastic sword doesn’t instantly transform us into great warriors, per se. We're not fundamentally changed when turning on a light saber (voom), but something in the brain does change, allowing a different perspective to take over (presumably our inner warrior). In our altered consciousness, we imagine ourselves as the wielder of a weapon, and not just someone who’s holding an abstract object (that’s a toy).

From here, we can analyze our previous self through a different lens and put real lifeinto perspective, using our emergent inner warrior of course.

So take that first swing, voom.

What was that sensation?


There it is again.

(Indistinct electric sound effect of the light saber hitting something).

Now, you’re standing up, swinging the sword around during the commercial breaks. You bring your weapon with you to the kitchen to grab another beer.

What’s on TV tonight? Game of Thrones?

Fuckin’ a.   

As you walk back from the kitchen with your hood up, beer in one hand, and swinging your light saber in the other, you think, why didn’t I get one of these things before? 


You set your beer down so you can force push some character off the screen of the TV. Maybe use some force lightning. If you possess more than one light saber, then you can stick them together, creating the more impressive saber staff, and show off for your family.

Yes, we look like idiots twirling around light sabers, but no worries. One has to be able to swing his/her light saber like no one’s watching.

You idly wonder if you can get away with practicing out in public…

Probably not yet…

Whatever your personal inclinations with a light saber are, don't matter. All that matters is this scene: a man (or a woman) with his beer and his light saber. You have transformed, via a series of small but logical steps, into a Jedi, a Sith Lord, or just some jackass with a plastic sword. No more surreptitiously picking up that weapon, so that no one noticed too much. Pick it up with confidence. 


We could dismiss this scene for its actual idiocy, a 35-year-old man playing with a plastic sword that makes sounds (can’t forget the sound effects), but as with the Transformers, there’s more than meets the eye, going on.  

You used to be couched-locked for hours, vegging out, but now you’re up before and during commercials, moving around. Those are calories that weren’t going to burn themselves off.

Also, by twirling your light saber around, occasionally knocking shit off the table and hitting yourself in the face, you’re inadvertently developing crucial hand-eye coordination. You'll only look like a dumbass until the next zombie apocalypse, where you'll be one of a handful who can properly swing a sword.

Finally, mark the difference in emotional well being after watching TV for an hour with your light saber, as opposed to being without it. Is your overall satisfaction with life higher with your sword, or with your hands stuffed in the waistband of your shorts?

I bet there’s a political debate on TV right now. We all know how enraging those can be, especially because you’re powerless to do anything about the shit politicians say. Putting a light saber in your hands won’t change the outcome anymore than yelling at the TV, but now you can take your aggression out on the air between the couch and their talking heads.

Vooooooom! There goes someone’s head.

And, you’re burning more calories! Maybe you should watch politics more often with a light saber in hand. We’d be a nation of healthier people. A nation of fake Jedi, burning calories by the political debate!

My point is this, light sabers are a child’s toy but this child’s toy can be useful to adults. Just look at what coloring does for micro-aggressed college kids. And look, I’m not saying you should go out and purchase a whole wooden train set and some Hot Wheels, but consider the small changes you can make to your emotional and physical well-being by having a light saber.

Now, ask yourself, “Do I need a light saber?”

I think you know the answer to that, friend.

So unleash your inner warrior, and...

... May The Force be with you.