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Similes and metaphors for disasters and possibly racist babies

October 27, 2014 The Wine Time Dad 0 Comments Category :

Children are often compared with many animate/ inanimate objects, forces of nature, abstract ideas, expletives, and, of course, nonexistent mythical creatures. These apt yet trite similes range all over the PC spectrum, but I assure you that they both fitting and not whimsical.

I'm sure you know what I'm talking about, but if you've been living in a hole or safely far from the presence of children, I'll name a few here.

Toddler tornados

You ever seen a toddler disassemble a room that you just cleaned for an hour in less than 3 minutes? If you've been around small children or have one or more of your own, then you know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the "toddler tornado". It is a form any toddler can take, whether happy or angry.

So, for those of you "not in the know", that clean or semi-clean house or apartment you just went to, never looks like that. And, if you've ever shown up an "occupied" house, and thought it a bit cluttered (but didn't say so or care because you're not judgmental or rude), trust me, it was a veritable disaster zone 5 minutes before you arrived.

Why name a child after such an unfunny but humbling weather anomaly? Well, like how a real tornado can hurl a blade of grass through a car door or throw a live cow a quarter mile or more, a toddler can do shit to household objects that seem to violate logical physical properties.

Hmm.. You ever tried to picture a 1200lbs milk producing mammal, like a cow, hurling through the air? I bet my daughter would enthusiastically point and say, "MOOOO!"

Toddler bombs

Similarly to how a toddler, any toddler, can pick up and redistribute an inordinate amount of matter in a short period of time, they can also explode order in a room. No, I'm not just talking about rear-end bursts, here, which are certainly explosive, but how objects appear to have exploded out from a sitting child. The toddler, who is not clever or patient enough at this point to place several hundred objects in an explosive pattern, radiating out from their center, has done just that w/o even trying.

While playing innocently on their own, all the toys, dirty clothes, some dirty diapers, maybe a toothbrush, a contact case, dental floss, empty yogurt containers, fruit peels and possibly a bar of soap have found their way into the debris field. You never saw or heard them go for the toiletries or the garbage can, but somehow the toddler bomb incorporated these items in their explosive trick.

Names you wish you could call toddlers in public but say under your breath instead

Occasionally titles reserved for older types of children get slapped onto tiny tots. You've probably heard of (little) monster(s), heathens, hookers (amusing, that one), brats, devils, torturers, torture devices, inadvertent parent brainwashing apparatuses, assholes, little shits or even little cunts (sounds harsher that it is to us Americans). While some of these names are cute, within context, and all are, by definition, moderately to completely offensive, you can't disagree that given the right circumstances and level of annoyance, they are fitting.

Sometimes our little shits can inhabit the state of abstract emotions or ideas. Like "being a terror", an unholy terror, a nightmare or just being downright evil. Sure, your child isn't really an unholy terror or evil, but, for the moment, that conscience-less bastard has defied you ability to see them as anything other than a nightmare. For the moment, little Jane is a creature of darkness, hellbent on destruction and chaos.

You have to remember that minutes can pass as hours for toddlers and in those precious few minutes the toddler (a creature that exists in a different active time dimension) can accomplish the wholesale destruction of all your "order", while still having time to erode your sanity.

When you finally confront them, they become confused, possibly frightened at their own erratic mood shifts, and cry hysterically.

You know the score, and that soft angelic face isn't foolin' nobody. You know intention when you see it, even in a hapless toddler. So, you look at them with a big pacifying smile on your face and say, "What's wrong, kiddo?" They scream at the top of their lungs, yank the fridge open and throw condiments out of it while managing to trip over the spoon they just hit you with.

15 minutes has passed.

In conclusion..

Would you say that your child is being a little monster? Possibly an asshole? Maybe just a four letter expletive that begins with the letter 'f'?

I'm not saying the toddler is a monster or asshole, just that they're being one right not. I think we can all agree, right?

And no, I'm not slapping a bunch of transgressions together to sensationalize toddler behavior.

Neither am I being uncompromisingly harsh. Everything I said is relatively factual in my experience. Probably with other parents, too, I hope...

Toddlers, for a fraction of the time that they are toddlers, suck a fat one and no one wants to be around them when they're being an unholy terror. Either toddlers can sometimes be nasty little fuckers or they are temporarily possessed by a chaos demon that may or may not leave as they grow up.

Think of it this way, you may feel sympathy for the crying infant if you have a conscience, but a full blown toddler tantrum does not garner sympathy. If we feel anything, we feel sorry for the poor hapless parent whose toddler is screaming bloody murder, for no reason, in the middle of the bread aisle. Fuck the kid.

Maybe this makes me less of a parent for admitting all this, but I don't think so. I would never say most of this stuff to any child's face- just behind their back.

Also, verbal abuse is not an effective form of child discipline. And, name-calling, even in jest, probably isn't useful in communicating disapproval to a toddler. It's not like they can't call you a "prick" back, like a teenager could, to even the score.

Lastly, you should consider the fact that I'm not being serious. However, if I'm having to tell you this, then I guess you missed my point. It's "wine-time" for a reason.

Besides, it's also just child-rearing, not the HR department at your office. No need to be politically correct here.


You know what? Speaking of HR departments... Did you know that racial bias develops before we can even talk? Babies are racists. Bet you didn't know that. You can start that research here and here.


I wonder if I can get my racist toddler fired... Oh look! We came full circle.