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Don't get married unless..

January 07, 2014 The Wine Time Dad 0 Comments Category :

[Disclaimer: This post is NOT about commitment!! That is a different topic altogether]

Marrying someone was never for me. Never was. Never will be. That's a fact, Jack. I feel sorry for those people who get sucked into the whole affair because they can't swim out of the strong current of social pressure- only to resurface several years later and realize that they aren't dead, yet, but oh-so tired. They then crawl out of the water to wallow on the shore for several more years while their past relationship continues to ruin their life. Yikes! Worse off are those poor saps who marry because they feel that it's the next stage in life. Trust me, it ain't. The next stage is whatever you make it out to be and any naysayer who pushes you away from that truth is full of bs. Last time I checked, there wasn't an established cosmic law that says marriage is the next stage in life. Don't even let a mutual child corrupt your thoughts on this particular Truth.

And, even though many will agree with you about the lack of said cosmic law, they paradoxically believe that if you truly love someone, you would honor that love by marrying them. Well, if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone (and you already have a child), then whatever connection marriage is supposed to represent has already been made, brother. "Besides," they sometimes argue, "you're getting older... Don't you think about love? And, children. And, growing old with someone? You can't live like this for the rest of your life.." Uh.. No. Fuck no. And, absolutely fucking not. Oh, yes I can. Sadly, it's not always our elders who argue like this, but who can blame them when they do? They were raised with different beliefs and in a different society than you. No, you'll often hear this from your friends who have "given up" or "given in".

So, when you hear that line about settling down just remember that they haven't been reeducated like you have. The freedom you've enjoyed isn't quite the freedom they enjoyed before they gave up the game. They have not learned to fight the entrenched "stages of life (SoL)" as you have.

Even if they aren't a conscious factor in our lives, the SoL are still there. They don't always show themselves when we're young, but then when we get older and come to the:

  1. Crossroads
  2. Fork in the road
  3. Place in your life where you have several options
  4. The realization that you could be still trying to play "the game" when you're in your fifties
  5. Or, a deadend
you decide to take the "known" path out. Hey, bravo! It's not always a bad choice for some people. Reaching the unknown in the later stages of life can sometimes be an unknown, especially when we start thinking about what it would be like to be with just one person. Have kids. Get a house with a big backyard so you can let a large dog loose without pissing off the neighborhood folk. Finding stability.

But, I know you. You don't want this. Divorce yourself from your fears and apprehensions of the future and make sure the path you chose is your own. Don't let tradition be a fall back device just because you think that you're out of options. And, be wary of friends who agree with you but occasionally bring up marriage and how it's "just" practical. They may just want you to suffer with them (I would quote someone, here, but too many comedians have beat the idea to death before me, so you get the point). Either misery does love company or they have found something magical and (somewhat) intangible in marriage. I don't rule it out but I caution you to be skeptical. You know.. Until you're sure.

[side note]
You can liken the persistence of traditional marriage beliefs to the persistence childhood religious indoctrination. Maybe something that you tried to extricate yourself from but always fall back on, later in life, when the going gets tough. A good analogy would be the herpes virus, around a lot in the beginning but then kind of goes dormant until times of prolonged stress and then it's all you can think about.. You have to realize that just because you decided that there wasn't a god watching then, it doesn't mean that it/ she/ he has decided to watch, now. Continue on. Be strong, little grasshopper. No one was/is watching you masturbate just as there is no set path in life.

I don't bring all this up to fill your eyeballs with verbiage. I have heard many (not all) of the bs about marriage, so trust me, this argument does still exist, and there are some things you should consider.

First of all, you should be careful of the sorts of people who try to unbalance your hard won beliefs and turn you towards their path. Don't do it! You have the right of it, so stay true to yourself. Second, if that person is your significant other, then drop 'em. Obviously, they have either been infected with naysayer bs or indoctrinated. If it's indoctrination, and you didn't see it, no worries, they have probably worked hard at covering it up. They needed to do so to trap you! Don't try to argue with them because you can't win. Even if you could sway them, it would only last until they were around your worst enemy, their friends. Your best bet is to run as there is nothing you can do about it. But, if you decide they're worth it, then they will not only run you but ruin you. Forever.

Don't believe me? Well then.. Look for me across the river, I'll say "Hi" to you from my shore.

However, don't lose hope. There usually is someone out there who won't try to convert you, push you maybe, but not convert. There is a guide/ partner for us all and we all need them- just as our guides/ partner need us to guide them (some more than others) in some way. If they don't need our guidance, then they at least need our comic relief (O_o)... And, I don't mean to say that fate has ordained that you will find the "one". Fate is just a comfort concept when we don't know the answer and there is no greater force, other than yourself, that has set someone specific aside for you. You either make yourself available (and all that entails) or you don't. When you're in the market, you may just find yourself someone who can tolerate you, as long as you stay honest. You may even last a little while.

When it does last a little longer, you trap them. Ask them to marry you because you will never find someone who will put up with your shit the way this person does. If you don't want to marry them because of your own stubbornness or some personal philosophy, most excellent! Chances are, this fool will do whatever you want because they love you. Who's a winner and has two thumbs? If you said yourself, then keep believing that. 'Cause this partner will make you forget all the pitfalls of marriage and you'll be blissfully paddling down that river for many years.

The point is to avoid doing what everyone around you is telling/ suggesting you do. Until such time that you feel your decisions are your own, and you no longer feel guilty about caving into social pressure. By then, you can always tell people that it was finally the right time for you...

... And, your partner.

Without losing face.

Maybe next time we'll discuss how you marrying types should tie the knot once you do fold... Because my hypocrisy is limitless and as Doc Holiday once said, "...knows no bounds."

That ring is on my right hand... A rebel to the end!