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I'm not "whipped" or weak- I value my free-time... And, my sanity.

December 15, 2013 The Wine Time Dad 0 Comments Category : , , ,

A few things to consider before you jump into this:

  1. This post is long and rambling
  2. I'm pretty sure it makes sense from beginning to end because I've proofread it
  3. I only proofread once
  4. so, there may be some grammatical errors and run-on sentences
  5. I spent a lot of time on this with a lot of interruptions, which is why it's here- it deserved to be here
  6. you could say that this piece earned it's way here, not by quality but by the length of its journey
  7. beware the banal sexism towards the end. I couldn't think of any other way to end this 
  8. you probably won't make it that far, so I am taking that last warning back
  9. if you make it to the end, I'll give you a prize

     You ever heard yourself accuse another man of being whipped? Sure you have. We all have, and maybe those men are actually whipped. There certainly are men out there with no backbone, especially those who are with women who may be out of their league. You know, those sort of women that incite you to say, "How the fuck did he get her?" and then you talk to these guys only to find out that they're still as baffled as you as to how they got that woman. Their befuddlement with their catch often, but not always, translates into a inferiority complex that allows them to be dominated by this angelic creature. Such that the fear of losing this creature is greater than their own self-worth and self-esteem. I think this is the most mocked instance of "whipped" out there. And, even though this may be a little unfair, I don't think these poor saps deserve our sympathy. Laugh at them all you want, friends, because they put themselves in that situation and they can certainly bite the bullet and get out..
(Late Disclaimer: listen- I hate to come from the point of a purely heterosexual relationship, here, by usually referencing men and women in said relationship, but it's just easier that way. This isn't supposed to be very intellectual and all-encompassing, anyhow. Besides, I imagine you're very clever and can switch the genders and pronouns around however you like- it wouldn't bother me one bit as I'm sure all this applies to every kind of person)
     There is also those people who find themselves in unbalanced relationships, so come at eachother from different levels. For example, maybe one partner is considerably smarter or more successful so that the other feels that he/ she is at an intellectual or social disadvantage. Perhaps they are always being talked down to or feel that they are. For example, they feel that their opinion is never taken seriously because they relate to the world in a way that isn't like their partner's and what opinions and insights they offer are somehow of lesser value. This kind of relationship also creates a "whipped" individual who may concede a lot of what they want and how they feel to the perceived superiority of their partner.
    While the former situation is sometimes hilariously tragic the latter is just tragic, and I wish them all the best in escaping their overbearing partner or striking a balance through open communication.
    Consequently, I'm not really concerned with these sorts of people and their unfortunate circumstances.
     I am more concerned with those of us who are in pretty equal relationships but seemingly acquiesce a lot, so are perceived to be "whipped" or the weaker partner. The sort of people who have great or (at least) good relationships with their significant other but are outwardly the quieter/ weaker partner. This third group of people who is sometimes confused with the former tow, I have recently come to understand better and want to discuss.
     So, the rest of this blogpost is going to be concerned with these poor bastards and (sometimes) myself, who I believe make up the majority of the "whipped" individuals out there.
     And, yes, most of these poor whipped bastards are usually men but not always.
     No, I don't have any facts or figures to back that up. I should've google searched some inane relationship polls but I don't have time. I do have to return home to my two task masters at some point, so my only goal is to vomit my opinion and get the hell out of there.
     Before we truly assess how being "whipped" should be redefined or viewed, we have to look at a few facets of long-term relationships and how they change individuals on a personal level. In particular, we're going to focus on how free-time is affected by decisions that require input from your partner (decisions about important things, not about what beer to order but could include who gets the last of the milk) and cohabitation faux pas. Some other facet may pop up as we go along but I'm not going to go out of my way to look for something.
     When you have finally decided to "give up" and settle down with one person, for at least an extended period of time, you will invariably sacrifice your some of your free-time. Add a child to the mix and you may have to sacrifice almost all your free-time. In the beginning, spending a lot of your free-time with your partner is a good thing- it builds your connection and helps you learn about eachother.
     However, after several months or years of this, you're going to want to start doing a few things on your own again because, hey, you did have a life once :-). This, of course, is a healthy desire as couples should engage in outside hobbies that they bring into the relationship. It's one of those qualities that facilitate long lasting interest in your partner. Nobody likes a homebody who just waits around for you and has no other outside interests, right?
     So, once you have an established relationship, where your lives are firmly melded together, either developing or returning to a hobby may take up a lot of your remaining free-time and energy. And, if you're like me, you not only look forward to engaging in your hobby but feel compelled to do so, and interruptions/ distractions become anathema to accomplishing your goals. If you have children, you may have already realized that a failed opportunity to capitalize on free-time may see you not having it again for days, weeks or (in the most extreme situations) months. Not capitalizing on your free-time more than once is a good way to build anxiety and frustration that may boil over into your interactions with other people, your pet, inanimate objects and (most importantly) your partner (while we may feel like punching our lover in our frustration, it is never an acceptable response). All you veterans of LTRs (long-term relationships) are well aware of this, I'm sure, so I'm not telling you anything you don't know.
     Ahh.. I can even see you nodding your heads in agreement. Or, maybe you're just dozing off.
     Yet, I don't want you to think that I'm only considering free-time in terms of pure self-interest. Your free-time also includes private time you get to spend with your significant other (couples w/o kids need not apply and pets don't count), which is something I never thought I would give a shit about until I became responsible for a child. It's very rare that my fiancĂ© and I ever get to just be ourselves without the responsibility of being parents (I'm still trying to get my honey-darlin' to understand that when the baby is in a different room it's like she's not there. We have multiple rooms for a reason).. Hmm, having said this off-handedly and between the "(...)" reminds of this one time the wee one's g-rents took her for the whole afternoon/ evening, and I can't even begin to describe the potential freedom that opportunity presented.. But, since this isn't a porn-blog, I'll stop there.
     Now, of course there are uncontrollable circumstances and duties that eat away at your free-time and there is almost nothing you can do about it. Making money to support yourself is always one of those unavoidable and unfortunate responsibilities of adult life. Talking on the phone may chip away at your sanity... Oh, sorry, I meant free-time. Of course, if you have a baby or child, then that thing will eat up your free-time about as much as a job does. It's the baby that will most likely cause you to take long breaks from your hobby(ies). Which is totally expected. And, these are things you can't control. However, there are those two things I mentioned that you can control and that's what we should be most concerned with.
     This is where decisions you make with your partner and cohabitation behavior (really, you should learn to avoid faux pas part) come into play. Often times, when there is a conflict in one or both of these two areas of LTRs, it devolves into a contest of wills in which both partners won't concede due to the knowledge that they are each right. And, at least, one partner will fear losing ground if (usually) he or she backs down. Really, it doesn't matter the cause or who is right because no one wins and time is wasted. So, learning to navigate these two areas with little on no conflict can save you a lot time and headache.
     Whatever topic lead you into this particular argument, one partner (usually the guy), will start to consider [his] options. Generally speaking, you can either continue the argument, which any experienced person knows is only an invitation for an all-out battle (may lead to make-up sex but never guaranteed). Also, if the argument becomes heated enough, a leave of absence may become justified when you can legitimately storm out of your living quarters and disappear for a few hours. Congratulations! You've won yourself some free-time, but unfortunately it's not under the ideal conditions, so you may just find yourself at a bar, drinking, instead of being productive. Also, expect the argument to either continue when you get home or at some point in the future.
     The second option is for you to give up and back off, which may afford you a stay of execution until the topic pops up again. While this second option is always immediately preferable, it doesn't win you any points with your partner, who may begin to resent you for giving up and tuck this away to use against you for later. Furthermore, just because your stay of execution was postponed without much conflict, it does not get you out of the electric chair. Remember that you haven't resolved shit and the next battle may be more intense and/or drawn out. Also, in spite of your quickly won freedom, the resulting palpable tension may make it impossible for you to relax, unless you can leave. If what you do in your free-time requires you to be outside, then, hey, "Winner winner, chicken dinner."
     Your third option is to hash out the discussion in measured dialogue and fair argumentation, which is probably what your partner wants. It may take a while and drain your patience, especially if you know your opportunity for productive free-time is slipping away, but your partner will more freely and happily give you leave to do whatever you want. You may even have sex, so everyone is a winner. Obviously this last option is always ideal but be careful, your maturity, understanding and patience may have also brought on your partner's desire to spend "together" time with you. Once a resolution has been reached and balanced restored, firmly state your need for "me time" and get the fuck outta there. You don't want to be trapped watching 7th Heaven or whatever..
     This ability to always maintain a balance with your partner is something that most men figure out if they are to survive. Not to single any gender group out, but we all know that women, for example, believe they are always right. And, of course, being irrational, (occasionally) over-emotional and nick-picky creatures, it's very difficult for them to see outsides their own little bubbles of reality. In fact, few women can learn to do it and when they do, it's a constant struggle to maintain a fair and balanced viewpoint for them. In reality, you know that you're always right beyond all reasonable doubt and someone just needs to take a slice of "humble" pie, give up, and admit that your reasoning smashes theirs to the ground. It's totally okay to feel this way, but it's usually up to the more rational and measured male figure to strike a balance, even if he has to appear "whipped" to do this. Expect to hear your significant other rave about how you understand, you're so in-tune or how you guys really get eachother. This is all good and it's a sign that you're doing things right. Don't bother yourself with everyone else and what they may be saying about you. I see you over there, buddy, doing your thing. Keep on keeping on.
     So, being "whipped" isn't always a sign of weakness in someone. In fact, maybe we shouldn't call it "whipped", but relabel it as "going with the flow". Many people aren't "whipped" by their significant other, they have just learned to go with the flow because, in the long run, it saves them time and energy. It is more or less the subtle technique of managing a (possibly) stubborn person you have no reason (or means) to escape from.
     Because you love them... And, being with them is totally...
     And, let's face it, once you're committed, you've kind of devoted yourself to that vagina for a very long time and you don't want to find yourself still sexless and masturbating in the wee hours of the morning six months later.

Thanks for letting me waste your valuable time,

DC Daddy

      (Second disclaimer: if you found any of that dated sexism there offensive, then I would warn you to take anything I say with a grain of salt. I would warn you but why? I'm more shocked that you read this far- I would have given up half-way through. Shame on you for letting me waste your precious free-time.)