Harmony Clean Flat Responsive WordPress Blog Theme

Don't put your mouth on that..

November 05, 2013 The Wine Time Dad 0 Comments Category : , , ,

We have a lot of baby toys in our place. Not a ridiculous amount but enough that my daughter should not want for colorful distractions to shove in her mouth. Several of those toys are elaborate noise/music makers. One of the noise makers even has a mirror. What baby doesn't love a mirror? I don't really know the answer to that but I would assume all of them, right? 

The truth is that all these toys only pique a passing interest with her. At this stage in her life, she's more interested in me, for obvious reasons (it's my personality), or things that could kill her. Forget that dashboard with all the dials, buttons, lights, and noise. Forget the little jungle gym that makes noise when you touch it, has pretty colors, and shit hanging off of it. Forget, even, the new mirror we just bought (for those long car rides back to the homeland). Well, let's not forget that... She does like the mirror when she finds it but whatever. What she really loves are the things that can kill her and (believe it or not) the toilet. 

Yes, my daughter likes the things connected to high voltage or things that have germs all over them. Given the opportunity, with all the colorful toys infront of her, she'll head straight for the table and chairs. She'll go for the cord and outlets because they obviously taste good. All of them. The borders of the bed are only a border in my mind, not hers. It's a game she likes to play, crawling to the edge of the bed only to drop off. I always catch her at the last minute but sometimes I wake up to see that my fiancĂ© has gone off to work, which is fine because I'm a light sleeper, and the baby has woken up. This is also fine... But, sometimes she tricks me and dozes off but then gets up again to crawl around. I don't always get up, though. Sometimes doze off and wake up with her at the edge of the bed.

Hmm… Snatch the pebble from that hand!

It's a good thing our apartment is carpeted.

But, [all] you [parents] know this, don't you? 

As one of my friends pointed out, kids are always trying to kill themselves until they reach the age of 4 or 5. By then they've learned what they can and can't touch. Whether or not they listen to you is something else. Before that age, they are compelled by burgeoning natural curiosity, to grab every farking thing they can.

They can't speak. They can't walk, yet. They can barely respond to you. At this point in their lives they're just repeating random things. But, gawddamnit, their eyes will light up at the prospect of touching something deadly.. Or, dirty.

I don't know what it is.. Maybe she senses that we're trying to keep her out of the bathroom. Maybe it's the fact that she sees us going in their all the time but, whatever it is, she loves the toilet. 

It’s white. It’s cold and smooth. Despite the size of the bathtub, it doesdominate the bathroom. She wants to go to it. Touch it. Caress it. And, even put her mouth on it. I've seen her put her mouth on the lid, the seat, and even (ekk!) THE FUCKING BOWL!!! AHHHHH!

When she's across the room, completely disengaged from what I'm doing, she'll hear that bathroom door and come-a-running. She's determined and never lets the opportunity pass...  

Just the other week, she was tangled up under her little rocking chair, obviously frustrated and starting to cry, when I decided that it was the perfect time relieve myself. Urinate, you know... TMI? Ah, TMI...

Anyways, I ran in, unzipped and started to release the pressure. 

The crying stopped.

I stopped. Yes, it was painful but I'm a mildly responsible parent and checking on my baby when my back is turned is something I try to do all the time. Since I could hear her thumping around on the carpet I knew that she had freed herself and was (most likely) moving my way. Whatever. She would never make it, as I was almost done. 

I turned my head again. She was just at the door to the bathroom.

Squeeze it out. Squeeze and shake. Jesus Christ... There is a lot of pee in there. Usually this is what happens when you wake up and get so distracted that it's only hours later that you realize you have to go. 

Now she's in the bathroom, crawling towards me. I turn my head and see her crawling towards the back of my legs, but I think I can finish by the time she claws her way up my leg. I can feel myself start to empty anyway. 

Ah! She's crawling up my leg and the "faucet" is still turned on... Shit!

No! I look down and she her head is between my legs with her hands on the bowl (*_*). As I, once again, try to shut the flow off she reaches out to grab the pee and misses only to fall backwards and knock all the papers off the "magazine" stool in our bathroom. 

She cries and I pick her up. I bring her back out to the living room and put her down and return to the bathroom to clean up. Before I can even begin to start picking up of the papers she's already at the door again.

What can I say. My baby loves the bathroom. And, well, can I blame her? Some of our most important human necessities are taken care of in there...

Good for her. She's learned the importance of the bathroom at an early age. 

I just wish I didn't have to let her watch me poop all the time. 

There is no such thing as a peaceful load drop anymore.