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Is it time to get up already?

October 31, 2013 The Wine Time Dad 0 Comments Category : , , , ,

I have to remind myself that I can't stay up all night reading philosophical arguments, scientific research, or current events (my current obsession is the cosmological argument—because I like to torture myself). The internet treasure trove of information is more like the food in the raccoon trap. Raccoons won't let go, you see, so their hunger and curiosity kills them. Unlike the raccoon, I'm not sure it'll kill me if I don't let go of it, but my sanity will surely be forfeited and no curiosity will be sated.

At the end of the day, and at the end of my wits, it does me no good to stay up an extra couple of hours. By then, I'm just trying to occupy my flagging attention span. I just want to stay awake for a few more minutes of “me time” before I wake up and start the process all over again (little miss sunshine is falling asleep for her afternoon nap easily enough but won’t sleep by herself).

The problem is that I'm mentally kaput by the time it's quiet enough for me to focus on my nightly reading/writing endeavors, and my constant distraction (and little sleep from the night before) doesn't help. Secondly, I'll never really understand the (philosophical) things I read because I don't have the time to adequately go through them nor the IQ stamina to keep up (would you, Mr. Layman, truly understand why there is something rather than nothing and why our definition of ‘nothing’ is so very inadequate?). Lastly, I have to keep in mind that I'll never make up for those missed classes from college and assignments never read by staying up till 3 am (usually because I was playing FF7 from afternoon till sunrise the next day). Whatever main points I remember will usually be forgotten along the trail of dirty diapers and empty bottles.

It's like my brain is constantly working against me to literally bilge pump out whatever important/ interesting information leaks in at the time, but retains the useless crap. Useless crap like who won the preliminary rounds on The Voice and why. Or, how many of Bill O'Reilly's talking points I don't agree with (don't ask me why I was watching The Factor). Or, what I think is wrong with the overall plot/ story/ characters of Agents of Shield.

Maybe all this is some sort of life adaptation for couples and parents. Such that when the need or desire or time to fight and argue and prove oneself is no longer necessary, we find that we fill our time with more frivolous things. Because it's easier on our already over-taxed minds.

We can drive ourselves mad trying to keep up with everything going on in the world, and keeping up with the discussion can be exhausting...

At least, I'll never be diagnosed with syphilis and slowly go insane that way.

Yeah, that's a Nietzsche reference- I promise that will be my only “luk at me Ah’m smrt" reference in this post.

(Time for a Family Guy plot change)

So why torture myself? Maybe because it helps me to feel as if I'm staying connected to the world at large. It also separates me from my primary job (care giver) and reminds me that I am an entity separate from my child. Which has been my biggest (if only passing) concern as of late- I feel that whatever world or culture I'm connected to just fades away and passes me by as I'm doing the daddy day care thing. I have this paranoia that my identity is slipping away in the duties I perform as a parent. 

I'm sure all my many imaginary readers, who are parents, could confirm that this feeling passes with time, and that my current anxiety is felt by all new parents, especially current mothers and all the mothers of times past. They would tell me that once your baby really develops a schedule, you'll be able to regain some of the adult normalcy you crave. I mean it's not all baby, diapers, family dinners, and sleep time for the rest of your life, with nothing in-between. It can’t be L.

Problem solved!
My hubris and self-absorption is not so great that I'm unaware of this fact… 

I am only voicing the concerns of (probably) countless housewives of over the generations (and those Japanese housewives that would be shaking their heads at me if they could see me, now.. Oh, I haven’t forgotten how I secretly scorned you- karma is such a vengeful creature).

Now that my melancholy has passed..

I hope I haven’t given you the impression that this is a scene from Revolutionary Road, as I don’t really care for Paris and I can’t get pregnant (at least not with the current medical science), but I get it, now. I get those women. Those housewives of this generation and every past generation.. I will never get too frustrated with them again. The sacrifices, the isolation, the unthankful husbands and culture that held you down… I can at least empathize with your struggle, even if only in a rudimentary way.

My lady-love says I should join a parents group or a stay-at-home dads group, and maybe I will. I want to and when/ if I do, I hope I fit in.. Yet, I’m reluctant to join a group of people I feel I may only superficially have a lot in common with but internally couldn’t be more horrified of.

In the meantime, while the baby dozes, I’m going keep pondering how older more ambiguous definitions of ‘nothing’ only make sense when you consider that ancient humans didn’t know what they were describing, which provoked them to describe what they didn’t know in vague, yet, all-encompassing ways. We modern humans still have this tendency, by the way. While it’s easy to imagine a general concept of nothing, it’s not easy to define and the definition always needs updating and (ha ha) fine-tuning.

Sadly, I will forget these insights because I’m more frustrated that the actual agents of S.H.I.E.L.D are hot nerdy people, who aren’t the Jason Bournes types I expected them to be.

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To all you new stay-at-home parents, I’ll leave you with this…