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Did you get that on video?

October 09, 2013 The Wine Time Dad 0 Comments Category :

Louie CK once did a bit about how he was indisposed on the porcelain thinking chair when his youngest daughter came in and turned around, showed him her anus, and then dropped a huge load all over the floor. Afterwards, she slipped in her own poo and cracked her head, so he had to rush to her side and pick her up to comfort her. This totally absurd situation was instantly transformed into a moment of tender fatherhood. Until he off-handedly mentions what he thinks his older daughter thinks of this whole situation.

Of course, when I first heard this I laughed hysterically and nearly drove off the road. I was driving through a snowstorm on my way back from snowboarding in Myoko Kogen (Nagano/ Niigata Prefecture). The imminent and certain death, the weather conditions promised, and the thin air made the comedy even more desperately funny.

In any case, I distinctly remember thinking what that situation would be like and how taboo the subject may have seemed to "regular" people in the crowd. Regular people who were like me, at the time. Single. Young-ish. Living in a different country, maybe, and driving home from snowboarding. Stoned. It didn't occur to me, then, (I have almost zero observational skills) that what probably made that bit so funny was that many of the people in the audience were most likely parents. And, being parents they understood and empathized with the man in the joke. They understood that parenting puts you in a lot of juxtapositions. When these juxtapositions happen, they are at first "goddamnit!" moments that you can't explain to outsiders. Or, maybe you're reluctant to explain for fear someone may turn away in revulsion and call CPS, but they happen everyday.

I get it, now. I mean I understood Louis CK even without having kids but it wasn't a realization for me. Now, I realize that parenting brings on it's own brand of unique cringe/ retch worthy instances that you want to tell everyone, in detail, but you're never sure how deep into detail you should go. After you've thought about it, if you have indeed thought about it, you're pretty sure it's best to keep it to yourself.

Outsiders may not find it as funny. Maybe they're too sensible. Maybe they're not parents and they haven't learned to lighten up- constantly apprised of how life is usually a funny joke, first, before we ruin it. A joke that is usually punctuated by farts and hot streams of poo.

Hmm.. A joke that never gets old.

Farts and poo are something we're obsessed with when we're children and if you're male (I can't speak for the fairer sex), then they are body functions that will probably remain funny till death. For example, ever been in a public restroom to urinate and someone walks in after you? You stand there, doing your business, thinking about something else when all of the sudden the stranger rips noisy fart? You bite you tongue and without even thinking about it, you rip a louder one and smile. Thinking it's over and you've outdone the stranger, the man hiding is the stall outdoes both of you by unleashing something foul into the toilet with a slapping wet splash...

Did that scenario give you a smile? I bet it did and that proves my point. Bodily functions are the reality and the joke we can never escape.

Which brings me back to parent hood (maybe when you're a parent this next admission will become more poignant).

After our daughter was born, we became obsessed with her bowel movements. We talked about it. Asked eachother, when the other wasn't present, if the baby had made a solid deposit that day. Because at that age, they can get constipated, and a stopped up infant isn't something you want to deal with at 3 am, or any am or pm.

So, when your baby has been making grunting noises (something that must be universal- like grammar), you find yourself pulling her diaper off, to give her room, and then working her legs like a sports trainer. Maybe you get her doing some bicycle kicks. Nothing ever happens, though. You never see it happen so you put her diaper back on and five minutes later, BAM! She fills her diaper with that popcorn smelling doody.

It got to the point where my partner and I started to casually discuss catching it on camera. I mean it's satisfying to relieve yourself, right? We could only imagine how satisfying it would be to watch our poor, occasionally constipated baby relieve herself. I won't lie to you.. I started putting my camera just within arm's reach in case the situation arose and I would be in a position to catch it.

You don't need me to tell you how difficult it is to catch something like this. Once, when my fiancé's friend was over, I was changing the baby's wet diaper when there was a violent shart. It blasted out so hard it hit the couch two feet away- for an infant that's quite a feat. Shortly after, while we all stood around laughing, we saw the volcano erupt.

While the women were laughing, all I could think of was, Fuck me... I should've had my camera out! That would've been the perfect video to show other family members. Alas, a video eluded me.

Skip to many months later- after we've moved. My fiancé was at work. The baby was grunting all morning- trying to push something out (she's become very vocal about her bowel movements). She's been farting up a storm- a veritable whoopee-cushion. The gas is pretty noxious but it usually dissipates quickly. When the odor doesn't go away, then you know she's left some solids in her diaper- something you want to catch before it works its way to the edges of the diaper and stains her clothes.

I decide to change her.

I whip her diaper off and there it is. A little but substantial deposit. I go to wipe her down and get a clean diaper when I notice that her anus is still working! Ah ha! This could only mean that she is working something else out. I'm so excited I drop the diaper and the wet-wipe and grab my phone and start recording. Not shocked but still ecstatic when I catch a clear and unadulterated video of poo coming out of her butt.

I know what you're thinking.

This is horrible. And, it is. A grown man recording his seventh month old daughter pooping all over the place? I feel slightly ashamed of myself. I don't feel comfortable sending this to anyone. I think it's too much. Even for my fiancé, who would definitely want to know that she did the deed AND would want to see the evidence...

I put my phone down and clean the baby up.

I pick up my phone and watch the video. I watch the video again.

I show the video to the baby. She smiles. That can only be some sort of approval, right? Yes, I think so.

I send it to my brother. Then I send it to my fiancé and save the file on my computer, because something like that is leverage. And, if there is something parents lack with teenagers, especially teenage girls- it's leverage.

Fortunately for all of you, my daughter can't walk, yet, so I can't hope to duplicate Louis CK's story. She doesn't even fully crawl- she commando crawls everywhere, but she's damn fast. I've put her up on her knees in an effort to encourage her to crawl like a big girl, but she's totally uninterested in that technique. She seems quite satisfied to drag herself around like some zombie baby until she can walk. Lucky for us, there is too much carpet in our current abode for her to slip on her own doo doo and crack her head on the floor..

And, no, I'm not going to post the video of my daughter pooping...

Bet you didn't expect all that from the blog title...